Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
