I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Randomize
