Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
