I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We're too hungover to prance.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
