i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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