I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
