We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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