he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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