im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
