We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
