sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
