I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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