I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
