I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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