I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
