I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
