if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
