She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
