I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
