You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
