GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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