I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
