Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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