i wish starbucks made bloody marys
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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