Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
