we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
