I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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