you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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