either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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