According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
