we have pet lesbian snakes
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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