I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
