k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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