franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
