peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
my liver is dry heaving
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
