Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
