I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
