Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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