I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
