Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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