just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
