You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
