You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
