god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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