I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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