Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
