So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
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