Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
