if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
