Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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