the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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