i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
