She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
