went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
